Everyone is crying and yelling. I forgot to cut the baby’s nails so she’s scratching my chest as I try to rock her to sleep. The cats chased each other and knocked over my plant (Ana screaming “IT’S NOT YOUR PLANT, IT’S MINE!”) and now there’s potting soil on the carpet as well as blueberries, popcorn, last night’s rice, and popsicle sticks because someone has a crisis before I can pick up the last mess. Ana wants to go to the park, but I don’t even have a bra on and strapping two angry kids in the car and taking them out in public seems like a monumental task, so I say “No” once again. Ana’s crying and complaining that we ‘never have fun’ as I try and remind her that yesterday we went to lunch and the splash pad, but it’s met with “that wasn’t that fun.” So now I fight feelings of guilt as well as screaming, crying, baby scratches, popsicle juice stuck to my feet.
Oh, so-and-so wants to know if we can do this or if Ana can do this, or if I could remember to renew this policy or make this appointment.
Do I say yes to these plans even though it’s been such a long day/week/month and just pick up the mess afterwards for the sake of not upsetting someone? Should I let Ana go even though she’s having a really hard time controlling her emotions and anxieties and add another week onto getting her stabilized again? Where’s the phone? I just had it before I had to change the baby’s diaper and discuss why other people have other gods and how do you spell iguana and where did the right shoe go, but not those shoes because the velcro feels weird. Found the phone, baby must need something else besides sleep though, she wont settle down. Take her out of the carrier, feed her, now she doesn’t seem very tired, but she doesn’t want to be put down. Ana needs to stop yelling at her for crying, she’s just a baby, no she doesn’t annoy her on purpose.
Oh shit, I have to wash those jeans for Chris so he has pants to wear to work tomorrow. Started laundry one handed, but baby got some soap on her hand, go rinse it off, but the phones ringing, someone needs something. Water running, washer going, baby crying, someone on the phone asking if I can hear them.
No. I can’t.
How the fuck is it only 12:03 when I feel like I’ve been awake for days? Now it’s raining, I can’t even take the girls outside.
‘Yes you can. Remember when Grandpa let you play in the rain and mud that one summer day?’
Leave the phone. Don’t put clothes on the baby. No I can’t make those plans. Sorry, Ana hs some stuff we need to work with before we do that. It’s one appointment, it can wait. The house will get cleaned eventually.
“Ana, want to play in the rain?”
“Yep. Go for it.”
It can wait. All of it. Except this.